There were many highs, a few lows and definitely one or two moments that got out of hand but I’m still standing, staggering. A right of passage or a right to worry with the influenced alcoholic culture will there be a time when everything makes perfect sense that you don’t have to sterilise your over-thinking thoughts.
Am I a sheep or is it a tool in the uphill struggle. However there comes a moment of brief clarity every drinking night where I stare off into the distance and my thoughts land on one person. One person always the same person not a family member or a close friend, a person where we both find it hard to string words to make a sentence not alone a conversation.
Where moments of a touch, a brush of a hoodie or a conversation that has managed to materialise but fades as fast as it was created. When every touch makes you think of nothing but that warm sensation that allows you to dream the impossible, when taken away drops you like a china vase.
The feeling of piecing the parts together only for the glue to evaporate causing more broken components. Like a puppet master killing you softly until the pieces are so small its hard to link two of them together even to function anymore.
Lots of metaphors I know, I guess what I’m trying to say how do you know who is good for you or actually manipulating your personality in order to use you. Is this brief silence in the alcoholic sea a path or a realisation of the unhealthy things in my life.
He offered me a hug once but I keep reciting a similar situation but not sure what it means?
“do you want a hug?”
“I need a hug but not from you.”
“Because you create these feelings I can’t control towards you and though you might just be being friendly or tired. Its over-friendly which I don’t mind but were barely friends we rarely speak but then you touch me and I start over thinking and I think if you liked me as just a friend you would stop touching and respect me.”
and it ends I don’t know his response or at least it comes in two parts.
1. The I’m not gay one where he decides to completely cut off communication
2. I do like you but not sure what I’m feeling.
He could be just as confused as me. I don’t know where this would lead us but it would give me comfort that he does like me even if he is confused. Though the first alternative face to face rejection, I’ve stayed well away from it to stay in my own comfort bubble but it might be good to test how strong a person I really am.
Over and out people