Float in water

All I feel is sadness, I thought I wanted to move out of my parents house but moving out would be committing to this. Prospect is a deceiving word searching through the shit for a golden ticket but there is no golden ticket just prospect. Bizarrely theres hope and comfort in the sadness but for now all I feel is exhausted!

I just want to float in water, failing that drown.

I was committing to things and committing to things meant being attached to them. These weren’t short term plans that can change in an instant but long term unwavering ones. I was suffocating myself.

No negative is without a positive

Everywhere we look its hard to see the light through the fog, maybe its not about finding the light but being comfortable where you stand. I read an article recently about steps you can take to overcome depression and though I am at a point where I feel numbly sad, I still feel myself or maybe I’m just content with seeing myself this way. Anyway the article suggested writing your thoughts and balancing the negatives with the positives.

Negative: I work with a liar who would like to lie for me. Positive: I am not him. I do not lie.

Negative: I have no true friends at my workplace. Positive: I’m content with my own company and happiness is only there when you want to see it.

Negative: I dislike my new job. Positive: I have a job and achieved a goal by obtaining this opportunity

Negative: I argue a lot. Positive: I like to express my opinion and reflect on what the other person said or believes.

Negative: People see me as a vulnerable little boy. Who is naive and suggestible Positive: In my eyes I am strong and open minded.

That didn’t make me feel better at all.

My model might not get a system update.

If you send a message to the universe, you will receive one back.

I was sending one clear constant message that was flowing through the airwaves but the universe wasn’t listening my connection was lingering. He had been gone for a week and I didn’t know when he was coming back but asking people around him might seem peculiar seeing we rarely speak, I didn’t need to speak he was charging my focus by his mere presence.

However with him out of the picture my drive was crunching through the gears with the petrol light flashing. I felt something inside of me that I had dismissed before something dark but it was resurfacing, humour and smiles can only get you so far. One continuous linear path but that path was about to receive some sporadic intervention. If I had ever received an award it would be for meddling and my ears were open, the lights green and I’m ready to engage.

All my new self had become was vulnerable, the new environment and meeting new people but I was beginning to stabilise. I was about to become my true self like the reverse of a butterfly I would be shrivelling back into a spiky caterpillar in no time.

Every war will depict its heroes and villains but that solely depends on who survives to tell the tale. You can’t fight who you are becoming you either embrace or terminate it. I had lived on the assumption that I was different with new futuristic ideas but the ideas weren’t new they were installed and depending on the future my model might not get a system update.

In one place

When you stand still in one place for too long you start to see the cracks but then after that you learn to live with them. I didn’t know what to do about ‘the one’ my dreams and stories allowed me a gateway to sleep and destroying that would destroy me unless I found someone else to dream about. I thought I was going to be brave but bravery is only in stories, I’m am scared and the repercussions of asking him might be to large to even consider it.

They say you have to take a risk to reap the rewards but the stakes are too high: My new job, colleagues, friends, family to receive one persons affections seems a high price. I can’t cling onto my chips forever it might be time to place them onto the table and watch ball clang against every barrier until it reaches its destination.

It’s still funny how even this moment should have a place and a setting however there is no right time for this action no lighting that can conceal the cracks. I wanted to hug him like he was my only support and without him I would just bundle to the floor.

Painted on your face

Time is forever lost until it is gained.

Run and take everything with you, don’t look back just keep going until your legs unbearably shake with the struggle to stand becoming an impossible task. JUST DON’T LOOK BACK! Cause a problem is only there when the problem is witnessed. Nothing will be the same. The moments will be painted on your face for everyone to see and the smile you once accomplished will never fully form again. RUN, DON’T LOOK BACK.

But looking back is as intriguing as looking into a concealed box or taking a peek behind a curtain because curiosity will always capture us. The moment you look is the time you can’t see past but once you can’t see past, you are stuck.

Stuck in the dark depths of your mind. Worse than the shadows on the ground are the shadows inside you.

 

Smash into the rocks

I think its going to take some incredible bravery. I can not hold these feelings in anymore I had feelings like this in the past but I had managed to shut them down but these weren’t going away. There was going to be a moment and in that moment my world will come crashing down and everything I had built up around me would smash into the rocks from the momentum of the wave.

I was about to lose and I was going to allow myself to because in every adventure to reach the dizzy peak there have to be stumbles but in those moments you discover. Was I ready to discover that part of me would I go too dark that I couldn’t get back to where I was. In one action I could have hit the self destruction button and everything would become… Nothing.

Lets go for a walk

I wanted everything to be perfect but perfect is only darkness dipped in white paint so watch out for the rain

It was the end of the day so I began shutting down my computer as usual, I had tried many times to be in sync with him so we could accidentally collide into conversation walking home but it never happened besides he seemed to go a different way out the building, a way that no one cared to show me. I hung up my stalker binoculars and resigned myself to defeat, a defeat I knew all to well. He wasn’t this crazy hot guy with fantastic muscles but his presence was so welcoming and comforting he wasn’t trying to be nice he actually was nice thats why it didn’t matter if he was a male or female because I just saw him as a person. When I see him I don’t see this amazing sexually being even though he could be quite spectacular but a beautiful personality.

However the green eyed monster was getting the better of me, he was talking to this extrovert feminine guy who was quite possibly openly gay but you could never quite tell in this place. He was enjoying his company, laughing and smiling but he never laughed with me, rarely smiled not the way he was with this other guy. He had known this guy longer and they seemed connected not romantically entangled but at least enough to follow his advice. I had advice for myself and that was to stay away from the both of them they maybe soothing on the surface but disabling on the inside.

I watched him shut down his computer while I walked past his pod knowing that he would go the other way, I had resigned myself to defeat.

Approaching the exit door I heard someones footsteps behind me I opened the door and held it for the person this was a sign of true mature politeness.

“Hey Jake,” His amazing eyes stared into mine while he breathed out the words. “Do you know about the shortcut?”

This was awesome if there was one thing I loved more than him right now it was a shortcut, I hate walking so anything to cut a few minutes of my time I was listening.

“I mean I see you walking past my house and I know of a shortcut, I’ve been meaning to tell you but kept forgetting,” the breaks in his words was like somebody kept tripping over them but I could watch those trips quake all day especially for a short cut.

I was a person of few words plus adding more into this muddled up pot would of only confused matters. “No haven’t,” <- see person of few words plus I still couldn’t believe the scenario I had pictured in my head had formed into reality.

“Lets go for a walk” He responded.

We had made our way down the steps and out of the security gate.

“Where are you taking me?” I said with a smirk out of the side of my smile.

“Don’t worry, your be fine.”

“A person with bad intentions would say that.” I smiled which aggressively  wrapped round my face and turned into a laugh. He smiled back at me but his didn’t turn into a laugh, his stayed static as he stared at my eyes.

We continued walking up the path talking about the tragic ending of books that shouldn’t of ended the way they did. He even expressed his feelings with arm gestures that showed he was passionate about it.

Turns out the shortcut wasn’t a shortcut.

Thumping away at my keys

Every blog has a message or a meaning that can lead you down a path where there is no turning back. It is looking out your window at midnight and noticing a light on in the distance within that window is somebody typing away on a computer spilling out their heart on a keyboard so they can trap the memory and never let it go.

Writing therapy that allows me to analysis my thoughts but also so I can share with other people with the same life experiences, people who have gone through it or people who are only at the starting stages.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been thumping away at my keys as a result I’ve had many religious blogs begin to follow me. I don’t know if this is because they like my blog or its a platform to covert people to their way of thinking. The bible has some beautiful messages captured within the compilation of stories however it also has some not so beautiful ones amongst them. The trouble is I don’t no what it stands for, I know what I thought religion stood for and that was to feel connected and unified with your community but how can you be connected with your community when religion segregates and judges people. I know now that some religions accommodate or at least acknowledges homosexuality but is this a NEW CHANGE and if so what does that say for its integrity? How can I believe in something that is unstable or is that why I should believe in religion because it is adaptable?

Why does the bible glorify humans so much, they are still animals? what makes one animal better than the other? However maybe it doesn’t which is why its amazing to hear other peoples perspectives. I guess I would love to have faith but it doesn’t have all the answers not that I would need it to however if I went to a church I would want people to respect my life choices as I would respect theres.

With time can only come wisdom because you’ve learn’t from first hand mistakes and hopefully stood on the sidelines for the horrific mistakes made by your friends. That is what life is about its not about finding who you are, its about discovering the new you. The new you could be seconds away to months away but every slight change in a different direction will eventually lead to a brand new location. Life is not set in stone people may like to keep there set of life guidelines locked up in a vault concealed in the deep dark depths of the ocean but the vault will rise.

An Infinite loop

Just watched season 1 episode ten of the American Horror Story which had an interesting dilemma of the girl finding out that she died in an incident that had previously happened where the audience were lead to believe she was alive, even if you didn’t quite believe it. This leads me to the question is there ‘more than this’ which neatly ties into the book written by Patrick Ness where a boy commits suicide only to reveal another world.

Though I still believe humans are still just animals and there should be no hierarchy in the animal kingdom only to survive, predator or prey but many humans are neither, a clueless limbo where they still survive, people like me. However are we more important or is that egotistical? If there is something after this where does it end? or are we in an infinite loop.

Does the life we lead in this story effect the life we lead in the next?

I felt like the king but all the pieces were closing in

For every moment you spend thinking about the fantasy, the reality can never truly compare because in the fantasy, weight is none existent. Instead of stomping aggressively along the floor because your shoes are too heavy for your feet, you elegantly glide. There is no nerves, no over thinking your just where you want to be, saying the things you want to say but in reality your twenty feet away watching the night dance by. Then your arms touch at the bar and the things in your fantasy that you want to say are all bundled into one short hello or alright.

For once I wish I could be brave but I was afraid, my fantasy was to good to let my reality destroy them both. At least this way I get my full blown romantic dream and my brief but telling encounters. Could these moments really satisfy my needs or could my needs only really be met by me.

I felt like the king but all the pieces were closing in. I was about to lose but in the long run would I learn from this moment to get better or would I pack in the game altogether. The trouble is I don’t know what I would do, I was safe, comfortable would I risk everything for an unattainable fantasy and never forgive myself.