The List

So its that time of year again New Years Eve a time to celebrate the year that has past and to welcome the next one to the present. Where people will make a promise to themselves and not uphold it, who will respect you if you can’t respect yourself. However like a dying kid in a blockbuster movie I’m going to write a list of things I ‘HOPE’ to achieve or at least look to fulfil.

The List

Number 1: Respect who you were last year and build on what you’ve achieved.

Number 2: Move out! Create a new path that may crash and burn but at least you attempted   it.

Number 3: Get into cycling. Cycle at least once a month.

Number 4: Don’t give up on your job because its an easy option but when it is right, be it in 2015 or 2050.

Number 5: Find someone important to you or find the potential in someone you already know.

Number 6: Actually finish a story you have started and publish on wordpress.

Number 7: Create a new portfolio + CV you are proud of

Number 8: Visit California plus one other place you never even thought of going.

Number 9: Go quad biking

Number 10: Don’t look back explore the country you live in.

Number 11: Do something daring! Like bungee jumping.

Number 12: Don’t override the old you to be the new you.

Jake

My model might not get a system update.

If you send a message to the universe, you will receive one back.

I was sending one clear constant message that was flowing through the airwaves but the universe wasn’t listening my connection was lingering. He had been gone for a week and I didn’t know when he was coming back but asking people around him might seem peculiar seeing we rarely speak, I didn’t need to speak he was charging my focus by his mere presence.

However with him out of the picture my drive was crunching through the gears with the petrol light flashing. I felt something inside of me that I had dismissed before something dark but it was resurfacing, humour and smiles can only get you so far. One continuous linear path but that path was about to receive some sporadic intervention. If I had ever received an award it would be for meddling and my ears were open, the lights green and I’m ready to engage.

All my new self had become was vulnerable, the new environment and meeting new people but I was beginning to stabilise. I was about to become my true self like the reverse of a butterfly I would be shrivelling back into a spiky caterpillar in no time.

Every war will depict its heroes and villains but that solely depends on who survives to tell the tale. You can’t fight who you are becoming you either embrace or terminate it. I had lived on the assumption that I was different with new futuristic ideas but the ideas weren’t new they were installed and depending on the future my model might not get a system update.

Smash into the rocks

I think its going to take some incredible bravery. I can not hold these feelings in anymore I had feelings like this in the past but I had managed to shut them down but these weren’t going away. There was going to be a moment and in that moment my world will come crashing down and everything I had built up around me would smash into the rocks from the momentum of the wave.

I was about to lose and I was going to allow myself to because in every adventure to reach the dizzy peak there have to be stumbles but in those moments you discover. Was I ready to discover that part of me would I go too dark that I couldn’t get back to where I was. In one action I could have hit the self destruction button and everything would become… Nothing.

An Infinite loop

Just watched season 1 episode ten of the American Horror Story which had an interesting dilemma of the girl finding out that she died in an incident that had previously happened where the audience were lead to believe she was alive, even if you didn’t quite believe it. This leads me to the question is there ‘more than this’ which neatly ties into the book written by Patrick Ness where a boy commits suicide only to reveal another world.

Though I still believe humans are still just animals and there should be no hierarchy in the animal kingdom only to survive, predator or prey but many humans are neither, a clueless limbo where they still survive, people like me. However are we more important or is that egotistical? If there is something after this where does it end? or are we in an infinite loop.

Does the life we lead in this story effect the life we lead in the next?

I felt like the king but all the pieces were closing in

For every moment you spend thinking about the fantasy, the reality can never truly compare because in the fantasy, weight is none existent. Instead of stomping aggressively along the floor because your shoes are too heavy for your feet, you elegantly glide. There is no nerves, no over thinking your just where you want to be, saying the things you want to say but in reality your twenty feet away watching the night dance by. Then your arms touch at the bar and the things in your fantasy that you want to say are all bundled into one short hello or alright.

For once I wish I could be brave but I was afraid, my fantasy was to good to let my reality destroy them both. At least this way I get my full blown romantic dream and my brief but telling encounters. Could these moments really satisfy my needs or could my needs only really be met by me.

I felt like the king but all the pieces were closing in. I was about to lose but in the long run would I learn from this moment to get better or would I pack in the game altogether. The trouble is I don’t know what I would do, I was safe, comfortable would I risk everything for an unattainable fantasy and never forgive myself.